mercedes station wagon models
So I'm driving along the other day, and I get up behind the all-new Mercedes-Benz GLA, which I'm calling the "Glaw" to rhyme with "Draw, " or perhaps "Haw, " as in: "Haw Haw, you bought a Mercedes-Benz that looks like a wheeled catfish!"
So we're cruising down the street, the Glaw in front, me in back, and we eventually reach a stoplight where we're joined by a Chevrolet Equinox. Now, for those of you who aren't familiar with the Equinox, allow me to sum it up for you: this is the least intimidating SUV of all time. Its design is all curves, it has the off-road prowess of a fountain pen, and its primary purpose is hauling around federal government postal inspectors assigned to write a 400-page report on mailbox blueness.
But I'm sitting there, with the Glaw in one lane and the Equinox in the other, and it hits me: the Equinox towers over this thing. On one side, you have the Equinox, favored transportation of elderly travelers who signed up for a "Ford Escape or similar" at the Tulsa airport Hertz. And on the other side, you have this brand-new Mercedes-Benz crossover that's being pitched as a cool new SUV for cool new young people with cool new lifestyles and cool new furniture, the kind of furniture that looks like giants could use it as a sex toy. And yet the Equinox stands over the Benz like LeBron James at a Big Brothers, Big Sisters holiday party.
So I went home and checked the specs, and it turns out that I'm right: the GLA is just 58.8 inches high, compared to 66.3 for the Equinox. That may not seem like much, but consider this: the Equinox is almost 13 percent taller than the GLA – the same percentage difference between a person who's six feet tall and someone who's six-foot-nine.
And that's when it hits me: the GLA is no crossover. The GLA is a station wagon.
Now, for those of you wondering why this matters, allow me to explain: Americans hate station wagons. Americans despise station wagons. In fact, most historians now believe the entire Civil War could've been entirely avoided if only station wagons had existed in the 1860s. What would've happened, historians suggest, is the Union and the Confederate troops would've lined up at the first battle, weapons drawn, ready to fight, eager to kill, and then a Volvo Cross Country would've driven by, inspiring such laughter and mockery and ridicule that the entire slavery issue would've been forgotten, and everyone would've shaken hands and gone inside to carry out 1800s tasks, such as pooping into metal pots.
Knowing this, Mercedes-Benz doesn't market this vehicle as a station wagon. In fact, I headed over to the Mercedes-Benz website to find out exactly what they call this vehicle, and it turns out the name is sports activity tourer. Or possibly touring sports crossover. Or maybe coupe touring sportster. Or crosstouring activity sportsover. OK, fine, I didn't actually go to the Mercedes-Benz website, because then I'd lose the entire afternoon to the G-Wagen configurator. But whatever they call this thing, rest assured that it isn't station wagon.
And yet, the GLA is a station wagon. For proof, I've created made a list of several important items with their overall height, so you can see exactly how they stack up against the 58.8-inch GLA. Here it is:
BMW X5: 68.5 inches
Volvo XC60: 67.4 inches
Lexus RX: 66.7 inches
Acura NSX with a LexMark CS410dtn color printer on the roof: 62.2 inches